I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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