I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
