Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
