Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
