Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
