hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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