I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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