Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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