Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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