a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
