Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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