cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
