we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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