I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
