not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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