Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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