I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
