i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
