just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
