sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
