My friends, they love my intelligence
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Verdict: uncircumcised.
He has the fingertips of a God
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
