mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
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Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
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I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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