Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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