you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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