I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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