The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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