The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
