I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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