dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
