i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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