Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
