I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Terrible idea I love it
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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