Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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