is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
