I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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