WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
