Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
There r osticjed everywhere
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
