Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
