She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
