When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
