maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
So here I am, sexting at work.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
