I wish I only lived at night.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Hippo gnu deer
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
