My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
