I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
