i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
