then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
