naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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