I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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