saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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