I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
