Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
