I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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