i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
