boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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